WUNDURFULWURLD.COM--Barry Bonds rose in a packed San Francisco courtroom today and reminded the judge that he has never failed a steroid test given by Major League Baseball.
Just to be safe, Mr. Bonds’ lawyers then introduced a big fat yellow envelope that was almost as thick as Barry’s wallet.
The envelope was full of papers which “prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mr. Bonds has never failed any test, at any time, given by any authority in this jurisdiction, or any other”. Well, that about covers it.
The crack team of reporters at Wundurful Wurld “borrowed” the envelope for a minute when Barry’s 6-person legal team was distracted while giving the great man a rubdown to keep him “nice ‘n loose”.
The documents confirmed that Bonds passed a high school typing test administered by a “Mrs. Peabody” in 1979. He managed only 3 words a minute, but received a grade of A+.
He aced a spelling test the next year, correctly spelling “s-t-e-r-o-i-d-s”, with the aid of a dictionary. (Kind of ironic, huh?)
Amazingly, records show that Bonds passed California’s stringent vehicle emissions test in 1992. Not his car, mind you. Bonds himself. Apparently he grabbed a bag from a surprised attendant at a local Jiffy Lube and blew into it, saying, “Test that, man.” The computer printout showed that he was “full of hot air”, but clean.
In 1995, Bonds, already a big league star, passed an Aptitude Test he found on the back of a matchbook, which advised that he should become “an object of worship, like some kind of deity, at least in your own mind”. Consider it done.
A month later, on a roll, he successfully answered a tough question administered from the MLB commissioner’s office, which was cribbed from an old Cosmopolitan magazine Bud Selig had under his mattress. The topic was: “Should you go all the way on the first date?” Big Barry instantly responded, “It all depends,” and bingo, his job was done.
But the really hard stuff was still to come. In 1998, Barry appeared at MIT to present the general analytic solution of a viscous gas ring around a central mass, which was used to test a further development of the smoothed particle hydrodynamics (SPH) algorithm. He said this vexing astrophysics problem was “a piece of cake”. Give this man the Nobel.
Finally, in the limo this morning on his way to the courtroom, Bonds used his lawyer’s BlackBerry to take the “Which Spice Girl are you?” test on OkCupid! For the record, he’s Sporty Spice, natch.
He then jammed the BlackBerry into his ear and easily passed the Speakeasy Internet connection speed test. “My brain is smokin’ today, boys,” he modestly declared.
Any further testing of Barry Bonds would seem utterly redundant at this point.
Ain’t it a Wundurful Wurld?
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Finally, in the limo this morning on his way to the courtroom, Bonds used his lawyer’s BlackBerry to take the “Which Spice Girl are you?” test on OkCupid! For the record, he’s Sporty Spice, natch.
