Brett Favre retires from Dolphins, Bucs and Saints

WUNDURFULWURLD.COM— Brett Favre wept openly yesterday as he announced his retirement from the Miami Dolphins.

"I want to thank the fans in this town," he declared. "They will always be in my heart."

NFL fans know that Favre has never played for the Dolphins, but that didn’t stop him from deciding it was time to hang up his cleats and fade into the sunset—at least as far as Tampa Bay.

There, in a hastily arranged news conference, Favre announced tearfully that he was retiring from the Buccaneers ‘for personal reasons’.

“I have the utmost respect for Bucs coach Jon Gruden,” Favre said. “It has been the highlight of my career not playing for him.

“I’m not crying about the Super Bowls we didn’t win together, or the good times we didn’t have.

"It’s about what we could have done, the championships we could have won, if only I had not decided to retire.”

With that, the legendary quarterback climbed aboard his motor home and headed along life’s highway to New Orleans, where he brought a man-sized box of Kleenex to the podium to announce his tearful retirement from the Saints.

“I’d like to thank Kleenex for signing on as my tour sponsor,” Favre said. “They’ve signed me to a very generous deal, in the range of $75 million for three years.”

Fans lapped it up, as they have at every stop along Favre’s Retirement Roadshow. Scalpers were selling tickets at $650 a pop as Favre rolled into Houston and then Dallas.

Signed posters of Favre wearing the uniforms of every team in the NFL were flying off the shelf at $350 per jersey.

NFL spokesman Harvey Finagle refused to comment when asked if the NFL was receiving a cut of the profits. "Brett was a major force in our league when he was playing.

"He's an even bigger force now that he's retiring and coming back and retiring and...," he said, before letting his voice trail off.

Favre got the idea for the tour in the spring, after retiring from the Green Bay Packers in a weepy ceremony that garnered national attention, and then announcing that he wanted to keep on playing.

Phase Two of the tour, says Favre, will be even bigger.

“It’ll be huge. I’m gonna retrace my route and un-retire from all these teams,” he said.

"I’m calling it the Comeback Tour. Advance ticket sales are going really well.

“It’ll climax in New York, where I’ll announce retirements and comebacks with the Jets and the Giants in the same day. I don’t think anybody’s ever done that before.

“We’re calling it the Double Dip, and we’re lining up Baskin-Robbins as my lead sponsor.

"That just means so much to me,” he managed to croak, before becoming overcome with gratitude and raw emotion.

His eyes moistened and he began to blubber uncontrollably. “Dear God, won't somebody hand me a soft and absorbent Kleenex tissue?”

Ain’t it a Wundurful Wurld?

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Barack Obama New Yorker cover, revised

WUNDURFULWURLD.COM-- Maybe Editor David Remnick should have used this image of Barack Obama as the cover for The New Yorker magazine. It shows Obama standing in for actor Will Smith in the I Am Legend poster.

Instead, Remnick chose an illustration showing Obama wearing traditional Muslim attire, under the watchful gaze of Osama bin Laden, with an American flag burning in the fireplace and his wife Michelle toting an AK-47 assault rifle.

Remnick says it's satire. Hmmm.

Whether it is or isn't satire is up to you, but from where we sit, pretty much the only thing in the picture that's not tasteless, derogatory and offensive is the chair.

On second thought, that's tasteless, too.

Ain't it a Wundurful Wurld?

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Beer and nachos found on moon: Let’s par-tay!

WUNDURFULWURLD.COM— The scientific community was rocked today by the discovery of beer on the moon.

Darcie Delish, a graduate intern personning—that’s NASA-speak for ‘manning’, given Darcie’s insistence on a gender-free 21^st century work environment despite her predilection for showing up for work everyday in hotpants looking like Jane Fonda in the sci-fi classic Barbarella—a telescope identified what she thought was a case of Budweiser sitting on the lunar surface Tuesday, but was hesitant to tell her NASA supervisor because she was afraid of being ridiculed.

“This beats finding water, that’s for sure,” enthused astrophysicist Dr. Dale Tremaine, as he tried to extricate a wad of pink chewing gum from Darcie’s hair. (The gum landed there after Dr. Tremaine joyfully threw it aloft during the impromptu celebrations that followed the announcement of her momentous find.)

“The wild thing is that the beer wasn’t trapped inside some boring rock on a sub-molecular level. On the contrary, it was right out there in the open, on a low table in front of a ratty old sofa.”

Dr. Tremaine theorized extemporaneously that 30-foot tall immortal creatures from a solar system called Babylonia have been sitting on the moon sofa watching Earth for entertainment every night since the beginning of time, much as citizens of our planet might sit on a couch and watch TV.

“Talk about the ultimate reality show,” he said. “After a few thousand years, of course they got thirsty. I would imagine they got hungry, too.”

That would explain the bowl of nachos that was observed to be sitting on the moon table, right next to the beer.

“The desire to accompany the malt beverage of your choice with a satisfyingly delicious salty snack would appear to be universal,” opined Helen Kramnow, a junior brand manager with Frito-Lay.

But the biggest surprise was yet to come.

A telescopic camera triggered by an automatic motion detector managed last night to capture a thrilling photograph of the lunar creatures that have been quaffing the beer.

They turned out to be two sophomores from CalTech who apparently have been on the moon since last weekend.

Joey Clampster, interviewed by text message, indicated that both students were doing well in the frigid, airless lunar conditions, despite their complete lack of bulky space suits or any form of breathing apparatus.

“Lif iz mnd ovr mattr, man,” he thumbed. “Go Cal!”

Ain’t it a Wundurful Wurld?

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